by
Genevieve Saenz
PassageWay Arts
Although the western world would like us to forget it, the truth is death and loss are real, grief happens, and we will all feel it at some point in our life. When grief comes for those we collaborate and work with, how we handle it impacts the culture of the entire organization.
Understanding Grief
Grief can show up as anxiety, anger, euphoria, relief, shock, denial, nostalgia, or any number of human emotions. This is because grief is not just an emotion; it is an experience and everyone experiences it differently.
It is also unhelpful to think about grief as having a timeline. Grief doesn’t go away; rather, it is something we learn to accept and live with.
Circles of Support
A common analogy used in grief counseling is a stone dropped into a still body of water. The ripples go outward towards the edges of the water, and as they move away, they widen until, eventually, the water stills again.
Traumatic incidents are processed in a similar way; people closest to the loss or traumatic event get the biggest and most violent waves of impact. Those people lean out for support from people in the next circle. Those people then lean out onto coworkers, spiritual communities, and friends to process their feelings about the event. In this way, the trauma of the event moves outward through circles of support and can dissipate more easily.
We run into trouble when those in outer circles rely on support from someone who is close to the loss.
Our role as colleagues is simple: listen and lean out rather than back on the person in acute grief. If we find ourselves overwhelmed by the emotion of someone else’s loss, it is appropriate to process our experience in the outer circles and not with the person more affected.
What to Say to a Grieving Person
One of the main topics that comes up in my counseling suite is what to say to a grieving person. I have a lot of compassion here because there is no right thing to say. We all want to bring comfort, but keep in mind that nothing you say or do will change the fact that loss has happened.
Conversely, saying nothing can be just as overwhelming to the aggrieved person as a sea of comforting platitudes. The middle and nuanced ground is to say something simple, short, and honest. I recommend a sincere, “I’m so sorry for your loss.” If the grieving person wants to respond or share more, simply listen.
From there, it is wise to let the grieving person lead the discussion.
Supporting our colleagues, friends, clients, and collaborators who have experienced a loss means we must humbly accept that there is nothing we can do to solve the problem. From that healthy humility, we find a path of grace for them and for the whole team.
To learn more, read the article from the NGA archives.
Negotiation Guidance Associates 